I want to quit. I do. I want to just be done. When you are leading a normal life, three months doesn’t seem like it would be that long. BUT, when you are barely getting through the moment to moment, three months feels like an eternity. I have four more chemo rounds to do. FOUR MORE. The easy part is sitting through five hours of chemotherapy. That’s easy. The hard part is when I turn into someone unrecognizable.
Roid rage, barfing and exhaustion. Perimenopause, hot flashes and hair loss. That’s just an hour of my day. Every hour. I’ve been entered into a system in which this is normal. I’m watching big things just fall out of my life. I’m not working and it’s hurting our family but, no one can be mad about it. I’m mad. I’m fucking PISSED OFF!
I have fought and survived things that many people wouldn’t believe. My strength has already been tested. I have proven that I will prevail, so why do I have to do it again? I have rectified my spirit and payed it forward and received my karma. I have made amends, ended relationships, repaired relationships and started over. Why do I have to fucking do that AGAIN? It’s great to hear and say things like, “cancer fucked with the wrong bitch” I love that stuff. But how much fight is one person supposed to have?
I am tough. Probably tougher than I should be. Thank god I was blessed with a little girl who came at a time that my heart needed to be softened. I don’t want to have to become hard again. I don’t want to fucking do this.
I was just arriving at a place in my life where I felt like a grown up. I have some accomplishments to be proud of. Those things can fade quickly if you can’t be present to fight to keep them every day. There are people just waiting for me to fail so that they can scoop up my little piece wether consciously or subconsciously. My failure would and could be someone else’s success.
Just know that this girl has been through some shit. But this battle is one that must be fought without armor. Why? Because cancer snatches it up. The layers of me are being thinned and it’s up to my core to fight. I am hardcore and I will fight dirty. Watch me. If you think winning isn’t everything, then you haven’t fought cancer.